Thinking back.... on that year where my mum has her first recurrence.... its about 4 year plus since the first diagnosis... she was complaining to me why the lower part of her right breast feels hard... she even let me feel it... we brushed it off thinking its becos of the radiation she did years back... cos she told me ever since the radiation therapy her breast no longer feels like last time... its darker in colour and feels harder... so I didnt think much of it... esp when the last mammogram shows nothing....
But my mum is still not comfortable... so she requested for ultrasound.... and she also did CT scan as she feels some uncomfortable over at her tummy there....
I remembered the day when my mum got to know she suffered from relapse... she went to TTSH alone to see Dr Patrick Chan in the morning... I was sleeping when I received my mum's call... the moment when my phone rings.. I know its bad news...cos my mum will never call me early in the morning for unimportant matters as she know I will still be sleeping at that time..... I can still recall her word.... "gal ah... dr says its not good.... my cancer came back...." My whole body turn cold.... I quickly bathed and rushed down to hospital to see the dr again...
When I reached hosp.... I saw my mum sitting on the chair crying... this is the first time I see my mum cry in her cancer journey.... she did not cry when she first learnt she has breast cancer in year 2001... she told me she was scared... we are too...
Dr says the scan shows a tumour on the bottom of the breast... very most likely its cancerous... will need to do mastectomy this time round.... but the position of the new tumour is not at the same area from the last op wound...meaning it could be of a new cancer rather than a recurrence.... it will be better if it is a new tumour... so in the next few days the op was scheduled...
After my mum woke up from the op... she looks ok... except for the vomiting which is normal for my mum as she always vomits after waking up from op... Its a day surgery...meaning she only stayed for one night and was discharged the next day... I still remembered she walks very very slowly... keep saying the wound area was very pain... and finally she is back home... she sits on a chair instead of the sofa as the sofa was too low and soft for her wound... i played her hong kong serial dvd and bring her a bowl of fish porridge.....
She says she wanted to go to the toilet.... this is where the scary part comes in........while she is trying to get up from the chair... she suddenly turns pale... saying its very pain... and after a while... she is not responding to my calls... her whole face turns white... at that moment.... I thought I lost her.... I was trembling.... and crying.... at the same time finding medicated oil to apply on my mum forehead....... I heard my dad calling out to my mum... but my mum did not respond... as if she has passed out..... so I called 995... and it took them quite some time to reach.... by the time the medics arrive... my mum was better.... but went to hospital anyway.... No one can imagine the kind of situation I was in at that exact moment.... my mum was leaning on my body... her whole face was white with cold sweats... eyes closed and not responding to our calls.... I really thought my mum passed away right in my arms..... I felt so afraid... its really scary.... I really do not want to experience that ever ever again...
Dr told us the tumour was quite big... and quite deep into the chestwall... so on top of the mastectomy... he removed some mussels also... that explains the great pain.... but the bad news was that he tried his best to take away as much as he could.... meaning the mussels was already affected...
I was angry.... why did they find out that late.... from all the dr visits and xrays... and my mum qns on why the area felt hard.... dr did not discover the tumour early..... what follow was chemo..... 6 cycles....... Again we thought dr get it all.....like last time.... everything will be back to normal again.....mum is cured.....
However.... the story did not end there.... my mum found some red nodules on the area where the wound is.... when she hears the Dr says better to get it checked... it might be cancerous... the world came tumbling down once again.... that is only less than half a year after the chemo treatment.... I shall share more in my next entry...
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Report Day
Its been awhile since I last blog... been quite busy lately... with what? I have also no clue why I am so tied up... hmmm....
Today went to NCC to get the pathology report on the tissue taken out from the 2nd op. Good news... no evidence of cancer cells! But I wonder why there isnt any since the last op shows there are still cells not cleared... that is the whole purpose of having this 2nd op... but anyway.. this is good news... really relieved...phew...
However since the ops... mum have difficulties in using her arms... she operated on her right side... her left arm already have old pain from a fall a year back... till now the pain is still there despite seeing dr taking injection... now her right arm also kana sprained when moving her arm backwards to wear a bra.... so now her both arms do not have the mobility like last time... I guess this kind of sprains are quite long term... wont recover so easily... I do not know whether can my mum go tui na at tcm... cos I heard before breast cancer patients cant go for massage or tui na... esp on the arm where the op is... hmm.... hope someone can advise me on this...
Today went to NCC to get the pathology report on the tissue taken out from the 2nd op. Good news... no evidence of cancer cells! But I wonder why there isnt any since the last op shows there are still cells not cleared... that is the whole purpose of having this 2nd op... but anyway.. this is good news... really relieved...phew...
However since the ops... mum have difficulties in using her arms... she operated on her right side... her left arm already have old pain from a fall a year back... till now the pain is still there despite seeing dr taking injection... now her right arm also kana sprained when moving her arm backwards to wear a bra.... so now her both arms do not have the mobility like last time... I guess this kind of sprains are quite long term... wont recover so easily... I do not know whether can my mum go tui na at tcm... cos I heard before breast cancer patients cant go for massage or tui na... esp on the arm where the op is... hmm.... hope someone can advise me on this...
Friday, June 13, 2008
First Diagnosis - Year 2001
Let me turn back the clock to year 2001 when my mum was first diagnosed.
I still remember I went to TTSH with mum for her op to remove the lump on her right breast. Mum felt the lump while she was showering. She didnt think much of it. Neither do I. During the Dr(Dr Patrick Chan) appt, Dr says it will be a One Day Surgery kind of op. The op will take abt at most 2 hrs. There is no need for hospitalization. Will be given hosp leave for i think 7 days. Dr says the op will be held tml and my mum needs to admit on that very same day. I still recalled my mum was arguing with the Dr saying it will be better to do it in another few days time so that she can have more resting period cos that day was a friday. The nurse was telling us..."Auntie, its better to do it asap... so dun delay any further"...still the word CANCER was not mentioned at all during the whole consultation. So my mum admitted herself that day....
On the day of surgery
I was waiting with my brother at the TTSH for my mum op to finish... We are expecting the op to be completed in not more than 2 hrs... But we waited for more than 5 hrs...I was thinking to myself why.... but still I did not think of cancer. When my mum was out from the OT, she was not awake yet... and I saw the blood drainage bottle and she was wheeled to the ward.... Why the need to stay in the ward when Dr says it was just a day surgery and there was no need for hospitalization.
Dr came. They told us it was bad news. The lump was cancerous. They did lumpectomy. My mum has breast cancer. I remembered the Dr was asking us whether we want them to tell my mum or we break the news to her ourselves. I really do not know which is better. I was still in shock.
When my mum woke up... she asked me how long was the surgery... and how come she is in the ward... I wanted to cry.... But I managed to open my mouth and tell her the lump was no good. Its cancer. I remembered my mum reaction to my words were calm. She didnt say much. She does not look scared. I do not know why. My mum was diagnosed with Stage IIb breast ca.
What came after was 30 days of radiation and 4 cycles of chemo. But my mum only completed 3 cycles of chemo as my mum suffered terrible side effects(continuous vomiting, not able to eat, cant sleep etc). The Dr suggested to forgo the 4th one. After all the treatments, my mum was on 5 year hormonal treatment with Tamoxifen. Everything was back to normal... except for the occasional follow up Dr appt and xrays. The whole family including my mum put the cancer at the back of our mind. We all thought the cancer was destroyed. My mum is cured. Until about 4 years later... ironically it was 1 year more to the 5 year mark.... my mum has her first relapse.
I still remember I went to TTSH with mum for her op to remove the lump on her right breast. Mum felt the lump while she was showering. She didnt think much of it. Neither do I. During the Dr(Dr Patrick Chan) appt, Dr says it will be a One Day Surgery kind of op. The op will take abt at most 2 hrs. There is no need for hospitalization. Will be given hosp leave for i think 7 days. Dr says the op will be held tml and my mum needs to admit on that very same day. I still recalled my mum was arguing with the Dr saying it will be better to do it in another few days time so that she can have more resting period cos that day was a friday. The nurse was telling us..."Auntie, its better to do it asap... so dun delay any further"...still the word CANCER was not mentioned at all during the whole consultation. So my mum admitted herself that day....
On the day of surgery
I was waiting with my brother at the TTSH for my mum op to finish... We are expecting the op to be completed in not more than 2 hrs... But we waited for more than 5 hrs...I was thinking to myself why.... but still I did not think of cancer. When my mum was out from the OT, she was not awake yet... and I saw the blood drainage bottle and she was wheeled to the ward.... Why the need to stay in the ward when Dr says it was just a day surgery and there was no need for hospitalization.
Dr came. They told us it was bad news. The lump was cancerous. They did lumpectomy. My mum has breast cancer. I remembered the Dr was asking us whether we want them to tell my mum or we break the news to her ourselves. I really do not know which is better. I was still in shock.
When my mum woke up... she asked me how long was the surgery... and how come she is in the ward... I wanted to cry.... But I managed to open my mouth and tell her the lump was no good. Its cancer. I remembered my mum reaction to my words were calm. She didnt say much. She does not look scared. I do not know why. My mum was diagnosed with Stage IIb breast ca.
What came after was 30 days of radiation and 4 cycles of chemo. But my mum only completed 3 cycles of chemo as my mum suffered terrible side effects(continuous vomiting, not able to eat, cant sleep etc). The Dr suggested to forgo the 4th one. After all the treatments, my mum was on 5 year hormonal treatment with Tamoxifen. Everything was back to normal... except for the occasional follow up Dr appt and xrays. The whole family including my mum put the cancer at the back of our mind. We all thought the cancer was destroyed. My mum is cured. Until about 4 years later... ironically it was 1 year more to the 5 year mark.... my mum has her first relapse.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Post Operation
Its the second day since my mum 2nd op. She is ok. Just that she complains pain on the wound which is normal. She says the previous op not so pain at the wound. Thats becos there is morphine I told her. Hospital only gives panadol to her. Dr says most likely she can discharge tml. Saw Dr Koong yesterday. He commented that the tissue that was taken out was put under microscopic test and show negative for cancerous cell (i wonder to myself... how come le... cos the pathology report shows cancerous activity thus need to clear the margins again with this op) If there isnt any C cell why the need for this op? However Dr Koong did says that this test is not 100% accurate. Needs to send it to the lab for the actual pathology report. Again there will be another anxious night before the results day.
Looking at my mum lying on the hospital bed when she was out from the OT... brings back memories of the previous operation. I asked myself... why do my mum needs to go through all these pain? I always envy those friends where their family members have no health problems. There are times when I see those elderly at the age of 70 plus or even 80 plus walking with their spouses.... Im so happy... I always hope my parents can live to age 80 with no health problems. If they were to leave me one day... I hope they leave suddenly with no struggle and pain. At least not by having cancer. Although some people says that dying with cancer gives one time to say goodbye to their loved ones.... but I disagree to certain extend.... People who says this cannot understand the distress of seeing their loved ones suffering in pain and anxiety when fighting with cancer. Those horrible chemo and radiation treatments.... painful surgeries.... endless Dr appts.... endless sleepless nights awaiting for scans results.... those disappointments hearing from Dr on recurrences despite doing faithfully all the treatments Dr wanted them to do... I always feel one would never able to understand totally what a cancer patient went through unless you went through it yourself. No one can also understand what a caregiver feels unless you are also a caregiver yourself caring for your loved ones. People around you can show you concern by asking frequently on "how is your mum? Is she better now?".... Sometimes I dont know how to answer such questions. Sometimes all that is needed is a hand over your shoulder or a hug when you are feeling down. It brings great comfort.
I will write more on my mum's cancer history on my next entry. Back to the very day on the first diagnosis.
Looking at my mum lying on the hospital bed when she was out from the OT... brings back memories of the previous operation. I asked myself... why do my mum needs to go through all these pain? I always envy those friends where their family members have no health problems. There are times when I see those elderly at the age of 70 plus or even 80 plus walking with their spouses.... Im so happy... I always hope my parents can live to age 80 with no health problems. If they were to leave me one day... I hope they leave suddenly with no struggle and pain. At least not by having cancer. Although some people says that dying with cancer gives one time to say goodbye to their loved ones.... but I disagree to certain extend.... People who says this cannot understand the distress of seeing their loved ones suffering in pain and anxiety when fighting with cancer. Those horrible chemo and radiation treatments.... painful surgeries.... endless Dr appts.... endless sleepless nights awaiting for scans results.... those disappointments hearing from Dr on recurrences despite doing faithfully all the treatments Dr wanted them to do... I always feel one would never able to understand totally what a cancer patient went through unless you went through it yourself. No one can also understand what a caregiver feels unless you are also a caregiver yourself caring for your loved ones. People around you can show you concern by asking frequently on "how is your mum? Is she better now?".... Sometimes I dont know how to answer such questions. Sometimes all that is needed is a hand over your shoulder or a hug when you are feeling down. It brings great comfort.
I will write more on my mum's cancer history on my next entry. Back to the very day on the first diagnosis.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
4 Days to Mum's 2nd Operation
Went to see Dr Tan with mum this morning. Appt was at 905am.... but Dr Tan went for emergency op so waited till abt noon time before we finally see him. The whole consultation ended in less than 5mins. Nothing much was mentioned. However, Dr Tan will not be involve in this operation... its a long story.... Initially during the appt with Dr Koong (I was not in spore so my bro went with mum), he was saying he needs to check Dr Tan availability before confirming on the op date so asked my mum to wait outside. After a while, a nurse took them to the listing room. A date was given but told my mum that the admitting paper only state Dr Koong but not Dr Tan... sigh... big confusion but in the end my mum went home without clarifying this. So I guess Dr Tan time was not booked for the op on monday thus Dr Koong will handle the op himself... I wonder will this make a difference....
Till date my mum has done numerous surgeries...countless of chemo treatments... sigh... when will all these going to end... I really hope this operation will the last surgery ever... Looking back the the previous op which is abt 2 mths back.... its scary... really...
21st April 2008 - Operation date
Admitted to hosp on 20th. Mum was wheeled into operation theatre at 1030am. Only came out at 11pm. The whole wait was long and worrisome.... although we are informed that it will be a long and major operation but still the wait is killing.... When I saw my mum pushed out of the OT, I wanted to tear... but trying my best to hold it back. I dun want to worry my mum. Im sure she doesnt want to see us crying. She got so many tubes and bottles around her. Althou she has gone through numerous surgeries but this is the one with the most "post-op accessories" and the longest op ever done. She has a oxygen tube in her nostrils, 4 blood drainage bottles, one big blood pump, urine bag, IV drop, blood infusion (mum lost quite a fair bit of blood during the op). When she was wheeled to the High Dependency unit it was already midnight. Cant stayed for long, moreover mum was drowsy. But managed to talk to her for a short while. She cant really talk... only can whisper some words. She uttered ' very pain' a few times... so I went to tell the Dr on duty. She said she is preparing morphine infusion for her. Gosh... I cant imagine the pain my mum is suffering at that time... I really wanted to cry... Dr said the OT side has already given the morphine injection.... but why is my mum still feeling such great pain??.... We headed home... as when we (my hubby) were walking to the car, my hubby put his comforting hand on my shoulder telling me its ok... its all over... my mum is going to be ok.... my tears can no longer hide...tears fall uncontrollably.... I told myself... I cant be in denial... I have to be strong... I cant afford to be weak at this time...
The next 2 weeks I camped myself at the hospital everyday... Mum has morphine infusing 24hrs a day... 4ml every one hour if i remember correctly... but with the morphine infusion mum's pain level better well managed. Seeing my mum getting better each day really helps my day... Mum remained on the bed for that exact position for a long time... cant move much... cant eat and drink for the first few days... but she definitely gets better each day till the day she was discharged. Looking back now.... she really has gone thru quite alot... but she survived it all...
Ehh... seems like I forgot to mention what type of op my mum went for.... I dont quite know the actual Dr's term but its a op that requires chestwall resection and a plastic surgeon to remove a big area of tissue from my mum's tummy and patch it back.... and my mum also has two of her rib bones removed........
Why the need for another op this monday? Well.... the pathology report says that clear margins was not attained during the op... so will need another op to try to clear it. Sigh.... what more can I say.... no words can describe my disappointment and aches...
Till date my mum has done numerous surgeries...countless of chemo treatments... sigh... when will all these going to end... I really hope this operation will the last surgery ever... Looking back the the previous op which is abt 2 mths back.... its scary... really...
21st April 2008 - Operation date
Admitted to hosp on 20th. Mum was wheeled into operation theatre at 1030am. Only came out at 11pm. The whole wait was long and worrisome.... although we are informed that it will be a long and major operation but still the wait is killing.... When I saw my mum pushed out of the OT, I wanted to tear... but trying my best to hold it back. I dun want to worry my mum. Im sure she doesnt want to see us crying. She got so many tubes and bottles around her. Althou she has gone through numerous surgeries but this is the one with the most "post-op accessories" and the longest op ever done. She has a oxygen tube in her nostrils, 4 blood drainage bottles, one big blood pump, urine bag, IV drop, blood infusion (mum lost quite a fair bit of blood during the op). When she was wheeled to the High Dependency unit it was already midnight. Cant stayed for long, moreover mum was drowsy. But managed to talk to her for a short while. She cant really talk... only can whisper some words. She uttered ' very pain' a few times... so I went to tell the Dr on duty. She said she is preparing morphine infusion for her. Gosh... I cant imagine the pain my mum is suffering at that time... I really wanted to cry... Dr said the OT side has already given the morphine injection.... but why is my mum still feeling such great pain??.... We headed home... as when we (my hubby) were walking to the car, my hubby put his comforting hand on my shoulder telling me its ok... its all over... my mum is going to be ok.... my tears can no longer hide...tears fall uncontrollably.... I told myself... I cant be in denial... I have to be strong... I cant afford to be weak at this time...
The next 2 weeks I camped myself at the hospital everyday... Mum has morphine infusing 24hrs a day... 4ml every one hour if i remember correctly... but with the morphine infusion mum's pain level better well managed. Seeing my mum getting better each day really helps my day... Mum remained on the bed for that exact position for a long time... cant move much... cant eat and drink for the first few days... but she definitely gets better each day till the day she was discharged. Looking back now.... she really has gone thru quite alot... but she survived it all...
Ehh... seems like I forgot to mention what type of op my mum went for.... I dont quite know the actual Dr's term but its a op that requires chestwall resection and a plastic surgeon to remove a big area of tissue from my mum's tummy and patch it back.... and my mum also has two of her rib bones removed........
Why the need for another op this monday? Well.... the pathology report says that clear margins was not attained during the op... so will need another op to try to clear it. Sigh.... what more can I say.... no words can describe my disappointment and aches...
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
In loving memory of our Wonder Woman - Molly
Its been five days since Molly has left us. It still seems so unreal. I cant help but to visit her site over and over again. Playing the video clip over and over. Althou I may not know her in person, she has already been a close friend to me. Despite her own fighting, she still remembers me. There was a period when I was overseas with my hubby for nearly 2 weeks. I was still checking her site for new updates but didnt drop any message for her as there was some problems in the connection. She sent me an email asking how am I and why I didnt message her so long and never fails to ask me how is my mum. There was also once that I mentioned I have problem in getting the EzyHealth magazine that features her story.... she initiated to send me a copy by post! I was so touched. She really is a amazing woman. A selfless and thoughtful person.
Why did God take away such a good person.... someone that is so inspiring to others... A pillar of strength to those that are fighting cancer and to those caregivers like myself. It has already been a routine for me to check on her site everyday. Before she left us, she was blogging lesser and lesser... I was always disappointed to see no new updates from her. Althou deep down in my heart I know she will leave us one day... but still when I see the post telling us that she was called home... I cant help but feels so lost. Even for now, Im still logging on to WonderWoman.com everyday. I hope her blog will continue to inspire others... esp those that are fighting cancer to have a place to comforts them and to encourage them. Im sure those who know Molly will be inspired by her to be more strong and courageous in face with problems in their lives... well...at least for me...
Dearest Molly
I know you are in a better place now. Your sufferings have ended. No more unbearable treatments... no more worries nights before scan results.... no more Dr appts... no more pain... I know you will miss your loved ones... but dont worry my friend... they will move on... they will be strong... they will put u in deep in their hearts... I know you want them to be.... I will miss you.... You will always be remembered... Please rest in peace gal....
Why did God take away such a good person.... someone that is so inspiring to others... A pillar of strength to those that are fighting cancer and to those caregivers like myself. It has already been a routine for me to check on her site everyday. Before she left us, she was blogging lesser and lesser... I was always disappointed to see no new updates from her. Althou deep down in my heart I know she will leave us one day... but still when I see the post telling us that she was called home... I cant help but feels so lost. Even for now, Im still logging on to WonderWoman.com everyday. I hope her blog will continue to inspire others... esp those that are fighting cancer to have a place to comforts them and to encourage them. Im sure those who know Molly will be inspired by her to be more strong and courageous in face with problems in their lives... well...at least for me...
Dearest Molly
I know you are in a better place now. Your sufferings have ended. No more unbearable treatments... no more worries nights before scan results.... no more Dr appts... no more pain... I know you will miss your loved ones... but dont worry my friend... they will move on... they will be strong... they will put u in deep in their hearts... I know you want them to be.... I will miss you.... You will always be remembered... Please rest in peace gal....
A start of my Jounal - Motivated by a friend named Molly
I have always wanted to start a blog to document my mum's fight with breast cancer. But due to my own laziness... it always stayed at the back of my mind. Why did I start now? Its because of Molly... Those who do not know her, she is also a fighter herself. She fought a tough fight but lost it. She just left us on 29th May 2008. Molly mentioned to me before asking me to start a blog as a caregiver for my mum's illness but I did not heed her advise till now. I regretted for not starting earlier so that she will have the chance to read my blog. But its all too late now.
I miss her. Greatly. She has always encourage me when Im feeling down during those times when there is bad news for my mum's treatment. I will miss her blog alot.... there wont be any more updates from her... but I still hope her husband, Josef will continue to keep the blog alive... her fighting spirits remains!
Seeing her memory video clip.... my tears start to fall... I still couldnt believe she has left us... but Im sure she is in a better place right now.... no more unbearable chemo treatments... no more worries nights before Dr appts on scan results.... no more pain.... I totally can understand those anxiety and pain... I shall share more on my next entry... thats all for now...
I miss her. Greatly. She has always encourage me when Im feeling down during those times when there is bad news for my mum's treatment. I will miss her blog alot.... there wont be any more updates from her... but I still hope her husband, Josef will continue to keep the blog alive... her fighting spirits remains!
Seeing her memory video clip.... my tears start to fall... I still couldnt believe she has left us... but Im sure she is in a better place right now.... no more unbearable chemo treatments... no more worries nights before Dr appts on scan results.... no more pain.... I totally can understand those anxiety and pain... I shall share more on my next entry... thats all for now...
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