Something that warms my heart

I just read Fleur's blog... she prayed for my mum....she prayed for me... it goes like this :

I pray for kel's mother, who has been fighitng hard and brave, Father, give her that strength and minimise her side effects. Let her know Lord, that her strength is admirable, and Father, hold her in your hands when she needs you most.

I pray for Kel, who has been the stoic strength for her mother. Give her the courage and strength and knowledge in how she can best give her support to her beloved mother. Father, hold her when she feels she cannot go on anymore, give her your support when she thinks she is going to fall. I know Father you will send her an Angel..

She is not actually my friend nor have I meet her in person.... but she thinks of me and my mum when she prays... there is no words that can describe how I feel when Im reading it... these wonderwomans are my pillar of support and strength when I need them... they offers me encouragement and consolation at times when I really in need...

It brings tears to my eyes... no one can really understand those who are still fighting or have fought the evil illness and their caregivers... unless they went thru it themselves... when you read those fighters's blog... they actually wrote down loud what you are feeling inside.... its so close and familiar...

Fleur, just wana say a big thank you to you... I really appreciate your prayers and concern... lets be one another support and strength when ever or whoever needs it...

Some updates on my mum:
She is managing well... going for the 3rd cycle next week...afterwhich will start of a new chemo regime for 3 cycles... my mum looks perfectly normal other than her hair loss... just went shopping with her at chinatown yesterday....had vegetarian food at bugis before heading chinatown... my mum appetite is back...cos few days back she dun have much appetite...one of the side effect i think... and today she went for her manjong session...haha...

5 Months since Molly left us

Today is 29th Oct... Molly left us 5 months today... Thou its only 5 months... I felt she has left us for a long time... I miss her... Today I saw a comment from Molly's sister... I am kinda surprised to see it... didnt know her sister actually visit my blog... thanks MaoMao...

I sometimes wonder to myself what will a person feel or thinking abt when he/she is about to leave this world... I also wonder to myself did Molly suffered alot of pain before she left... did she leave any words behind... did she pass on in her sleep..... alot of questions run thru my mind when I know she has left us... I hope she left us in peace with very little or no pain...

I also cannot imagine the pain the loved ones has to suffer to see their loved one pass on... I feel its the utmost pain one person can ever imagine... the person might have left but the surviving ones saddness has just begun... how long a time a person will need to make the pain subsise? I guess the pain will reduce over time but it will never go away.... never...

Hysterocsopy & Polypectomy

Went for the above last friday to remove a polyp in my uterus lining... it was a small procedure but I was quite scared before going into the OT...

My gynea suggested me to go for the procedure as the polyp grew from 5mm to 9mm... it might grow further and it may affect fertility... so I went for the procedure... it was just a 30mins procedure... and I have half a day ward stay and was discharged.... After the procedure... I woke up with a pad strapped on me... I had bleeding... I still have some light bleeding now... it should last for abt 5 to 7 days...

Some updates abt my mum
Mum is managing the side effects pretty well... didnt had any vomitting... only slight nausea... lost of appetite for some days... other than these... she can still go for her fav manjong sessions...hee...


For Snowcloud
Hi gal if u are reading this.... I have difficulty in dropping comments on your blog so no choice but to write here...
I read from your entry that you are featured in the "A Journey of Hope".. Which episode are you featured? Is it the one that talks abt Ovarian ca? If yes, I watched that episode thou I missed the front few epis... It featured 3 ladies... One is nellie which has a link in molly blog, the other is a young gal whose face was not shown...then the other lady is in her late 30s i think.... which one is you? You are only in your 20s rite? Let me know ya...

Quiz for Fleur

1. What time did you get up this morning? 9.30am to go Yoga
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema ?
4. What is your favorite TV show? SCV channel 52 "Kang Xi Lai Le"
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Usually dont eat breakfast.... if have most likely oats
6. What is your middle name? Err....
7. What food do you dislike? Animal organs... and anything that is too oily
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Hmm.. so long never buy CD
9. What kind of car do you drive? No car... usually travel by bus or mrt....or my husband Harrier
10. Favorite sandwich? Toasted bread with sunny sideup + pan fried ham + vege and tomato
11. What characteristic do you despise? Selfish people
12: Favorite item of clothing. ? Anything that is causal...
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, you´d go to well anywhere... its the company that matters...
14. Are you an organized person? A big NO... my hubby always say my things are such a mess...hee
15: Where would you retire to? I duno wor... :D
16: What was your most recent memorable birthday? Err...
17. What are you going to do when you finish this? Watch tv lor.
18. Furthest place you are sending this? I don't know…. only for Fleur i think...
19. Person you expect to send it back first? I don't know
20. When is your birthday? 5th July 1979....Im a cancerian...
21. What is your shoe size?...usually 37
22. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone. Mum....
23. How many Pets? None....
24 Any new and exciting news? Nothing... my life been quite a bore...
25. What did you want to be when you were little? A housewife....hahaha.... and I make it!
26. How are you today? Normal.... abit tired due to doing yoga
27: Favorite flower? Dun have any fav flower.....hmm...
28. What are you listening to right now? Nothing in particular
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Hmm.... really nothing to look foward to wor... hmm... life really been very still and boring for me.... only notice this while doing this quiz....duh...
30. What was the last thing you ate? Home cooked dinner.... (I cooked one!)
31. Do you wish on stars? No wor...
32. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Cant relate to crayon....hmm...
35. Favorite soft drink: Usually drink plain water....
36. Favorite restaurant? Loves chinese food and japanese food...
37. Hair color? Brown black
38. What was your favorite toy as a child?...Cant really remember wor.... we are quite poor when I was young... so din really have toys....
43. Do you want your friends answer? Of cos...
44. When was the last time you cried? when I talked abt my mum recurrence with my husband abt 2 mths back....
45. What is under your bed? Nothing... I slept on a platform bed...
46. What did you do last night? Nothing special....
47. What are you afraid of? Bad news on my mum illness....
48. Salty or sweet? Salty!
49. How many keys on your key ring? Hmm.... 3 i think...
50. How many years at your current job? Not working right now...
51. Favorite day of the week? weekends bah....
53. Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends? It would be interesting to know thou....hee...

Fleur... hope you the above let u know more abt me....:)

2nd Chemo Cycle

Mum will be going for her 2nd cycle tml... hopefully the blood count is ok...

To Fleur & Snowcloud
A million thanks to you gals.... your words of support show so much concern to me and my mum... Thou I did not leave any comments on your blog but I visit it for updates almost everyday...

Snowcloud, been noticing you are not blogging as often... maybe you have nothing much to update.... but please know kel still care ya! :)

Gals, jia you ok!!


Been feeling kind of guilty lately... didnt really spend alot of time with mum.... I dont know why... sometimes I will naturally want some space of my own.... cos being with my mum makes me constantly reminded of her illness and I will get very depressed... I can feel my own stress... I know I cant feel this way... so I joined a yoga class recently for me to destress.... at least I have an activity to focus on.... in this way I can exercise and relax...

When a family member is diagnosed with cancer... the whole family is affected....emotionally and physically... even extended family will also be affected.... for example... my mum has cancer... me the daughter will in turn affect my husband.... he will feel sad and stress when he sees im feeling down... I try not to affect him... so I seldom talk abt my mum illness... so far there isnt much blogs from caregivers like myself that I can learn or get some support.... if you know of someone please share with me.... thanks in advance... :)

Molly left us for about 5 months already.... till now I still cant really believe she is gone... I still visit her site very often... but always disappointed to see there is no updates... I guess her husband must be very tied up at work... or he does not want to remind himself that Molly is no longer around.... I still miss her... she has touched me in many ways.... her concern... her positiveness... her fighting spirits.... Im consoled that she is probably having fun in heaven now... no more pain .... Will I feel this way when my mum were to leave me one day? I dont know... I hope I can be that optimistic...

Updates

First of all..... I must say im very touched to have people coming by my blog for updates and dropping their words of support and encouragement.... it really meant alot to me.... you guys do not know me in person but bothered to spend time in wanting to know how am I getting along and how is my mum coping.... a million of appreciation to you people.... it all went straight into my heart....

My mum had fever 2 weeks after her first chemo cycle... blood test show very low white blood count of only 1.1 i think.... the lowest so far from all the previous chemos... the nurse told my mum its becos of too much chemo treatment....it affect the bone marrow and so the low blood count.... so dr gave my mum injection boaster to boast her blood count so she wont be prone to infection and will not affect her next cycle... all these is needed despite my mum faithfully eat lots of spinach (bo cai).... egg white... and lean meat.... Im worried for the future cycles...

My mum shaved her hair in another salon different from the previous one.... cos she do not want the hairdresser to ask her again.....but still the person ask my mum why she want to shave her hair.... my mum say becos she has hair loss due to a medicine she is taking..... then the person ask my mum is it chemo drug....duh... bo bianz my mum say yes.... sigh... lost of hair is the first tell tale sign a person is undergoing chemo treatment otherwise its hard to tell whether this person has or had cancer.... I totally understand why people who needs to go thru chemo mind so much abt hair loss.... they do not like stares from people.... they dun like strangers to ask why no hair... they dun like wearing wig which is so uncomfortable and hot...

My mum now wears a scarf.... and I think it look nice on her.... its much more comfortable than a wig...

I just came back from my china trip with my husband (for his stock take).... my mum told me 2 days back that her friend just passed away.... I was shocked... and sad.... and worried.... I know my mum is upset and discouraged....

My mum's friend had lympnoma cancer about 5 years ago i think.... she first noticed a small lump on her neck... and my mum asked her to get it checked... but she brushed it off by saying its probably heatiness... at the same time scared to face the music... When she finally get the lump checked...its bad news... its cancer... then went the surgery to remove the lump... followed by chemo.... After she recovered... she always frequent JB for seafood and good food... my mum told her not to eat seafood.... I know there isnt any medical reason not to but chinese believe seafood is toxic to the body... I do not know how true.... but my mum believes it.... she avoided seafood completely except fish.... but still her cancer came back.... so...hmm...

About 3 weeks ago she got to know that her friend was hospitalized.... my mum went to visit her in SGH... she just had surgery to remove cancerous lump in her intestine... I do not know whether its a primary site or a spread... I guessed my mum did not ask... her friend was bedridden... on morphine... cant eat so on milk drip... her eyes are yellow... I guess her liver is also affected.... they chatted for a while.... she told my mum the cancer grew back on the same area... chemo not able to reduce the lump....then one day she has abdominal pain and her ocnologist at Gleaneagles (Dr Ang Peng Tiam) referred her to SGH as if knowing he will not be able to help her.... then goes the surgery....

My mum went to SGH for her theraphy session so drop by her ward to see her but could not find her.... only upon asking the nurse there....my mum knows that her friend passed away that very day.... I can imagine the loss and fear when my mum was there to recieve the news.... I know in her heart she must be asking herself when will be her turn.... In fact we never talk abt death in our family.... I guess no one really wants to talk abt it... we will just take one step at a time... we will handle it when the time comes.... I do not know how long will my mum be with us... I do not want to think abt it... I will feel very depressed by thinking abt it... so I rather not think..... ignorance is a bliss...

Start of Chemo Treatment

Mum started her chemo treatment last week.... since she cant have needles poking in both of her arms... she has a port at the chest for the drug.... she had this port before when she did her past chemo...

Counting.... this chemo treatment is my mum 5th chemo regime since 2001...... hopefully its the last chemo.... ever.... mum going to lose her hair for this chemo.... its quite upsetting for her.... she told me last time when she lose her hair she didnt really mind but this time she mind.... cos she mind letting others know she is going thru chemo once again.... I totally understand her point...

Dr says looking at the pathology report of the tumour.... its aggressive... the recurrence rate is high even with chemo given.... its a sad news for me.... we didnt let mum know.... Dr as if knowing did not tell my mum when my mum ask him how serious is the cancer.... I believe my mum will have the fighting spirits more without this news.... imagine u have the go thru a terrible treatment with all the side effects yet knowing the cancer has a high chance of coming back....

Went to SIMA to shop for a wig for my mum....but nothing suits... and the wig looks v fake... in the end my mum bought a minie.... those knitted cap for winter type.... i feel its more comfortable than a wig....

Mum will need 6 cycles of chemo.... 3 cycles for one drug.... 3 weeks for one cycle.... so it will take about 4 and a half mths... it will end in jan next year... just nice for cny i think....

Fleur if u are reading this.... I know you will be starting another chemo regime soon and you will lose your hair... pls dun be too upset ok... go shop around for nice wigs.... or try wearing meanie also... its look kind of cool... :)

My mum says she already thought of a reason to tell those who will ask her about the hair thing.... she will says she shave off her hair in support of the children cancer..... my mum is so creative.... this also shows she really mind the hair lost thing this time....