I told my husband yesterday night when he called.... didnt plan to tell him before his reservist end...but probably becos he can sensed something from my voice... so he asked... and I told him... I cried badly when I was telling him... but I felt much better after letting it out...
I'm trying not to think too much for now... thinking too much emotionally will eat into my life... it wont help anything anyway... Trying to focus more on reality.... focusing more on the things to do rather than asking myself the why question.... why my mum.... why us... why does she need to go through so much... why so many recurrences... the list goes on and on....
My mum is never afraid of surgeries... of course she did grumble here and there but she is brave in face of surgeries... My mum told me once...she is not afraid to die... she is afraid of the pain associated with dying... she cant bear to leave us... the thought of not able to be with us...to see us... makes her reluctant to go... Im sure all cancer patients will have these thoughts...
Losing breasts for woman is already a very emotional issue.... especially for one that has already lost one.... I know my mum feels sad when she see herself with one breast gone... what is left is a big wound...a circle of tissue from her belly covering the area where her right breast is used to be... she did not switch on lights at night when she bathe... probably becos she does not want to see too clearly... now she needs to go thru another mastectomy very soon.... most likely the op will be on 25th this month.... Its so ironic.... my mum birthday falls on the 21st next week... going to see Dr for her scan results on 20th next wed... Hoping God will pity her and let her best birthday present..... let her have clear scan results.... no spread... please....
My mum is going malacca this sunday with my dad... she says she wants to go away even for one night before getting her results... I totally agree... she needs to be away for a while after all these negative news... She did not tell her sisters about this new cancer... I know why.... she does not want to bother people with this sad news... she does not want to hear herself telling people she has cancer again.... dread explaining to people why this has happen... she do not have a answer for them anyway... I know people will say..... huh...cancer again? need for surgery again? why like that?? What can we say.... This is the same reason why I didnt tell anyone.... I hate hearing myself saying my mum has cancer again... I hate to see their sympathetic face... I hate to see them not knowing what to say..... I know its not their fault... I know they are just trying to show concern.... but I just cant help it... why tell people when they cant help u...
All the long Im not that kind of person who is very expressive on the things happening to me... I seldom tell people what is going on in my life.... I love to hear friends telling my their stories... their joyful events...their sad quarrels... but I usually dont share my stories...not becos I do not want to....its just not me.... I always feel people do not have to waste time to hear your stories....neither do they have to hear your sad stories... why bother them with stories that do not concern them.... so I guess having this blog is a excellent way for me to pour things out... rather than bottling inside me.... Im grateful for Molly who suggested this blog... even till today I still check on her blog for any updates almost everyday.... I wonder did she passed on peacefully without pain.... I hope she did... I miss her... I miss her fighting spirits... I wonder how is her husband coping now... he seldom update the blog as he mentioned he is busy with his work... I hope he is coping well...
I know time is the best medicine to fade the pain of losing a loved one... nothing a person can say to console you can take the pain away.... only time can slowly slowly fade off the pain....it may not be able to take away the pain completely but it definitely help in reducing it as each day passes by.... why am i saying this....I have no idea also... but this is something I strongly believe in....
3 comments:
Dear Kel,
*hugs*
I can empathize with what u and ur mum are going thru.. the emotions, the worries and all... i believe all us fighters and caregivers hv/had been on that road
Can I humbly offer u my opinions? I know it's tough, but i think it's gd to let ur uncles/aunties know of ur mum's condition. We're certainly not talking abt sympathy but any support we can garner. U'll be surprised how much ppl can rise to the occasion. At least give them a chance to decide how they wanna respond to the news. U DONT hv to react to how they respond okay?
When i first let my frens know of my condition, i didn't expect the kind of support and help they gave and rendered. I had blogged abt my initial journey (under cancer resources) and my support grp. Perhaps they wld be of some encouragement to u.
Shd u need sum1 else to hear u, u can drop me (email: rachael_tan178@hotmail.com) or Fleur (sry hor, volunteer u also =P)a line.
Take care gal.
Rgds
I went through one masectomy, a couple of years ago; at the prime of my life. Never thought it could happen but it did. Other than for my immediate family and the doctors, no one knows, and I will keep it that way. But that's a personal preference. You need to ask your mum, what her preference is. Whether she wants more support from a variety of people, or to keep it close and personal, the main thing, is to try and help her get through this in the manner she prefers.
My first oncologist insisted I should go for group support and take many months of, so that I could be a better mother by hanging out with the kids. Rather insensitve I thought.
Occupy your mom with things she likes to do. Keeping very busy helped me get through the shock, pain, and drugs.
Take walks, and exercise. Most importantly, sort out all the important things, her will, cpf and insurance nominations, post-op care, child care (if there are kids/grand kids to take care).
While there will be surgical scaring from a masectomy; these scars fade over time. A masectomy affords the best insurance against a recurrence.
good luck.
Hi Snowcloud
I believe my mum has her reasons... I will leave it to her to decide... my guess is she wants to wait for the results before telling them...
As for your blog... I have read all entries long ago... it definitely helps... thanks for caring... :)
kel
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